The Roofing Estimate I've Reread Nine Times and Still Haven't Signed
Three contractors came out after the hailstorm in August, and I have had all three estimates sitting in a folder on my kitchen counter for eleven days now. One is cheapest and uses a crew I have never heard of. One is the company my neighbor used and liked, but it is the most expensive by almost two thousand dollars. One is somewhere in the middle, run by a man who went to my church for a few years before his family moved away, and I keep wanting that to be the deciding factor even though I know it should not be. I have read all three line by line more times than I can count, made a spreadsheet comparing warranty terms, called my insurance adjuster twice with questions I already knew the answers to, and I am no closer to signing anything than I was on day one. Meanwhile there is a blue tarp stapled over part of my roof, and every time it rains I lie awake listening for the sound of water finding a new way in.
I am six years sober, and for most of those six years I believed my old problem was recklessness, the kind of man who decided things in a half second and dealt with the wreckage later. What this folder on my counter is teaching me is that I traded one danger for its opposite. I do not act too fast anymore. I do not act at all. I have mistaken endless research for responsibility, when most days it is really just fear wearing a clipboard, afraid that whichever name I sign will turn out to be the wrong one and that the wrongness will somehow be permanent proof of something true about me.
Scripture does not treat this kind of paralysis as a character flaw unique to men like me. Solomon, who had to make real decisions that affected a whole kingdom, did not tell anyone that the answer was simply gathering more information until certainty arrived. He pointed somewhere else entirely. "Commit your works to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established" (Proverbs 16:3, NKJV). Commit, not calculate. The establishing of my thoughts was never going to come from a fourth phone call to the adjuster. It was going to come from handing the whole decision, folder and all, to Someone whose judgment does not run out of road the way mine already has.
Here is where my own reasoning has done nothing but spin in place for eleven days. I can tell myself accurately that any of the three bids would probably get the job done, that a roof is a roof, that I am overthinking a decision most people make in an afternoon. Every sentence is true, and none of it has moved my hand toward a pen, because the real obstacle was never a lack of facts. It was a man unwilling to act without a guarantee no estimate on earth was ever going to provide. David asked for something different than a guarantee when his own path was unclear. "Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You" (Psalm 143:8, NKJV). He lifted his soul before he had his answer, not after.
This is exactly what abiding in the Spirit offers that my spreadsheet never could. Isaiah describes a kind of guidance that does not depend on a man finishing his own analysis first. "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left" (Isaiah 30:21, NKJV). That word comes after the turning starts, not before it, which means waiting for total certainty before I move is not actually faith. It is just fear asking for a different name. Paul tells the Romans plainly whose voice I should actually expect to recognize underneath my own circling thoughts. "For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God" (Romans 8:14, NKJV). Led, in motion, not informed while standing still at the counter.
Paul gives the Philippians the exact mechanism for a mind as tired as mine has been this week. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6, NKJV), and then the part that has never once been the product of my own understanding, however long I study it. "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7, NKJV). Surpasses understanding, not the reward for finally reaching enough of it. Paul tells the Colossians to let that very peace have the deciding vote I keep trying to cast myself. "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful" (Colossians 3:15, NKJV). Rule, like an umpire settling an argument three men cannot settle on their own.
I called the contractor from my church tonight and told him to start the work. I do not know for certain it was the best financial choice of the three, and for the first time in eleven days I found I could live with not knowing. The peace did not arrive because I finally solved the decision. It arrived while the decision was still a little bit unsolved, which was never the order I expected it to come in. God is alive tonight, and He already knows exactly which folder has been sitting on your counter, which three good options have left you circling instead of choosing. He has a plan for you that was never contingent on you achieving certainty first, and He has promised to speak behind you the moment you start walking instead of waiting. He will never leave you standing alone at the counter, folder in hand, afraid to pick up the pen.
Scriptures used (NKJV): Proverbs 16:3; Psalm 143:8; Isaiah 30:21; Romans 8:14; Philippians 4:6-7; Colossians 3:15.
I am six years sober, and for most of those six years I believed my old problem was recklessness, the kind of man who decided things in a half second and dealt with the wreckage later. What this folder on my counter is teaching me is that I traded one danger for its opposite. I do not act too fast anymore. I do not act at all. I have mistaken endless research for responsibility, when most days it is really just fear wearing a clipboard, afraid that whichever name I sign will turn out to be the wrong one and that the wrongness will somehow be permanent proof of something true about me.
Scripture does not treat this kind of paralysis as a character flaw unique to men like me. Solomon, who had to make real decisions that affected a whole kingdom, did not tell anyone that the answer was simply gathering more information until certainty arrived. He pointed somewhere else entirely. "Commit your works to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established" (Proverbs 16:3, NKJV). Commit, not calculate. The establishing of my thoughts was never going to come from a fourth phone call to the adjuster. It was going to come from handing the whole decision, folder and all, to Someone whose judgment does not run out of road the way mine already has.
Here is where my own reasoning has done nothing but spin in place for eleven days. I can tell myself accurately that any of the three bids would probably get the job done, that a roof is a roof, that I am overthinking a decision most people make in an afternoon. Every sentence is true, and none of it has moved my hand toward a pen, because the real obstacle was never a lack of facts. It was a man unwilling to act without a guarantee no estimate on earth was ever going to provide. David asked for something different than a guarantee when his own path was unclear. "Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You" (Psalm 143:8, NKJV). He lifted his soul before he had his answer, not after.
This is exactly what abiding in the Spirit offers that my spreadsheet never could. Isaiah describes a kind of guidance that does not depend on a man finishing his own analysis first. "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left" (Isaiah 30:21, NKJV). That word comes after the turning starts, not before it, which means waiting for total certainty before I move is not actually faith. It is just fear asking for a different name. Paul tells the Romans plainly whose voice I should actually expect to recognize underneath my own circling thoughts. "For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God" (Romans 8:14, NKJV). Led, in motion, not informed while standing still at the counter.
Paul gives the Philippians the exact mechanism for a mind as tired as mine has been this week. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6, NKJV), and then the part that has never once been the product of my own understanding, however long I study it. "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7, NKJV). Surpasses understanding, not the reward for finally reaching enough of it. Paul tells the Colossians to let that very peace have the deciding vote I keep trying to cast myself. "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful" (Colossians 3:15, NKJV). Rule, like an umpire settling an argument three men cannot settle on their own.
I called the contractor from my church tonight and told him to start the work. I do not know for certain it was the best financial choice of the three, and for the first time in eleven days I found I could live with not knowing. The peace did not arrive because I finally solved the decision. It arrived while the decision was still a little bit unsolved, which was never the order I expected it to come in. God is alive tonight, and He already knows exactly which folder has been sitting on your counter, which three good options have left you circling instead of choosing. He has a plan for you that was never contingent on you achieving certainty first, and He has promised to speak behind you the moment you start walking instead of waiting. He will never leave you standing alone at the counter, folder in hand, afraid to pick up the pen.
Scriptures used (NKJV): Proverbs 16:3; Psalm 143:8; Isaiah 30:21; Romans 8:14; Philippians 4:6-7; Colossians 3:15.
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