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The Chainsaw My Neighbor Returned With a Cracked Housing and No Apology

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The Chainsaw My Neighbor Returned With a Cracked Housing and No Apology I lent my neighbor a chainsaw in October because a storm had dropped a limb across his driveway and he was in a bind. He set it inside my garage Tuesday night without knocking and drove off. I did not notice the crack in the housing until Wednesday morning, a long split near the handle, the kind of damage a saw gets when it is dropped or pushed past what it was built to take. I texted him. Four hours later he answered with one line. Worked fine when I used it. No apology, no offer to help with the repair. I stood there holding a cracked saw and felt something old and ugly climb up out of a part of me I thought I had already handed over to God years ago. I am nineteen years sober, and I used to settle things like this with my fists or my mouth, whichever lost patience first. Sobriety took the fists away long ago. It never promised to take away the part of me that still wants to be right. I drafted four r...
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The Cut List Taped to the Dugout Fence With My Grandson's Name Missing From It

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The Cut List Taped to the Dugout Fence With My Grandson's Name Missing From It I stood behind the backstop Tuesday evening, watching a coach half my age tape a single sheet of paper to the chain link fence by the dugout, and I felt my own stomach drop before my grandson's did. He had practiced his glove work in my driveway every evening for three weeks and told his little sister at breakfast he was going to be the starting shortstop by spring. I watched him jog over to that fence with the rest of the boys, read the list twice like a second reading might rearrange the letters, and walk back toward the car with his chin doing that trembling thing boys his age try hard to hide. His name was not on it. Mine would not have been either, most days of my life, and standing in that gravel parking lot brought up every disappointment I thought I had already made peace with. I am sixty-one years old and have buried more hopes than I can count, jobs that fell through after the s...
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The Two Lunchboxes I Pack Every Morning Before My Own Shift Even Starts

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The Two Lunchboxes I Pack Every Morning Before My Own Shift Even Starts I set two alarms now, one at 4:40 and a backup at 4:48 in case I roll over on the first one, and most mornings I am standing at my kitchen counter in the dark packing two lunchboxes, a six-year-old's and an eight-year-old's, before I have had a single sip of coffee myself. My daughter has been in a treatment program for five months, and until she is steady enough to take her kids back, that job belongs to me, on top of the warehouse shift I still work five days a week to keep the lights on in a house that was only ever supposed to hold one tired old man and his dog. I am sixty-three years old, fourteen years sober, and some mornings I stand over that cutting board slicing apples for two kids who are not mine to raise and I feel a tiredness that has nothing to do with how many hours of sleep I got the night before. It sits somewhere deeper than my muscles. It sits in the part of me that used to believ...
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The Free Bet Notification That Buzzed While My Grandson Watched the Game With Me

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The Free Bet Notification That Buzzed While My Grandson Watched the Game With Me RedeemedExistence daily devotional — November 11, 2026 My grandson was stretched out on my couch Saturday afternoon, eight years old, eyes locked on the television, hollering at a quarterback who could not hear him. I had my phone face up on the armrest the way I always do, and halfway through the second quarter it lit up with a notification from an app I downloaded on a whim back in September, just to see what the fuss was about. It offered me a free fifty dollar bet on the exact game playing in front of us, no strings, just tap to claim. I am seventeen years sober, and I want to tell you I felt nothing when I saw it. That would be a lie. Something in my chest leaned toward that phone the same way it used to lean toward a liquor cabinet, quick and quiet, before my mind had even finished reading the words. I did not place the bet. I want to say that plainly before I say anything else, becaus...
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The Water Heater, the Flat Tire, and the Phone Call That All Landed Before 9 A.M.

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The Water Heater, the Flat Tire, and the Phone Call That All Landed Before 9 A.M. The basement was already an inch deep when I went down for the coffee filters, water heater split at the seam sometime in the night, and I was still standing in it with wet socks when I heard my wife shout from the driveway that her tire had gone flat against the curb. I hadn't even found a towel yet when my phone started buzzing on the counter, my granddaughter crying before I could get a full hello out, something about a friend and a group chat and a hurt that was real even if I couldn't follow the details fast enough. Three problems, none of them enormous on its own, all three landing in the same twenty minutes, and I stood in my own flooding basement feeling something close to panic over a morning that, item by item, I could have handled standing on my head. That is the strange thing about being overwhelmed. It is almost never one crisis too big to carry. It is three or four ordina...
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The Weather Radar I Refreshed Through My Granddaughter's Entire Soccer Game

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The Weather Radar I Refreshed Through My Granddaughter's Entire Soccer Game I sat in a folding camp chair on the sideline of a soccer field on Saturday morning, and I could not tell you one accurate detail about the game my granddaughter played in it. I know she wore the yellow jersey. I know her team won. Everything else is a blur, because the moment the county's phones buzzed with a tornado watch, I pulled mine out and did not put it down again, refreshing the radar app every ninety seconds, glancing up only long enough to clap when the parents around me clapped. My daughter asked afterward if I saw the goal her girl scored. I had not, not really. I had been too busy keeping watch over a storm that passed forty miles north of us and never touched that field at all. I am thirteen years sober, and I used to assume anxiety was something I would eventually age out of. What that folding chair taught me again is that anxiety does not retire. It just changes its weather....
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The Open Bar I Stood Three Feet From at My Nephew's Wedding

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The Open Bar I Stood Three Feet From at My Nephew's Wedding The bartender had my drink poured before I got close enough to order it, a double of good bourbon sweating on the linen like it was waiting for me. It wasn't. He was just fast, and someone near me had ordered the same thing. But for about four seconds I stood at that rented mahogany bar, dressed in a suit I'd ironed myself, watching my nephew spin his new wife under string lights, and I let myself imagine picking that glass up anyway. Open bar, free pour, nobody counting. I have fifteen years between me and the last time I drank, and in those four seconds every one of them felt like paper. I used to assume temptation had a shelf life, that staying sober long enough would make it stop showing up. It doesn't fade so much as learn new rooms to wait in. It no longer looks like a bar I used to haunt. It looks like a wedding toast, a glass already poured, a version of myself nobody in that room would have...
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